Live workshop and Q&A with Jillian Turecki
THEMES
Attachment dynamics, anxious–avoidant patterns, emotional regulation, safety vs. chemistry, pacing relationships, communication styles, self-abandonment, meeting needs, capacity and overwhelm, opening the heart, discernment vs. fantasy, conscious partnership
NOTES
Summary & Takeaways:
Safety vs. Chemistry in Adult Relationships
Healthy relationships—especially later in life—often begin with calm, safety, and emotional steadiness rather than immediate fireworks. Intense chemistry can be familiar but is not always a marker of long-term compatibility. Attraction can grow through presence, trust, and emotional attunement, particularly for women. Not feeling instant passion does not mean something is missing.
Friendship as a Foundation
Starting from friendship allows space for discernment without pressure. Adults with full lives do not need to rush labeling a connection. Slowness supports nervous system regulation and clearer perception of compatibility.
Push–Pull Dynamics and Emotional Intensity
Repeated ruptures often come from mismatched emotional capacity rather than lack of love. One partner’s emotional expression can feel overwhelming to the other, leading to withdrawal. This does not automatically mean “avoidant vs. anxious,” but rather a nuanced capacity mismatch that requires responsibility on both sides.
Hyper-Focus as a Survival Strategy
Over-focusing on a partner often reflects preoccupation with unmet needs rather than genuine intimacy. When attention collapses onto the relationship, self-abandonment increases and anxiety escalates. Re-centering on one’s own life reduces pressure on the partnership.
Six Core Human Needs Framework
Fulfillment requires meeting needs for certainty, uncertainty, significance, love/connection, growth, and contribution. When these needs are overly sourced from one person, relationships become strained. Balanced fulfillment across multiple areas of life creates relational stability.
Shifting from “What Am I Not Getting?” to Mutuality
Conscious partnership requires curiosity about the other person’s needs and capacity. Focusing solely on one’s own emotional experience can unintentionally eclipse the partner’s internal world. Mutual attunement—not self-erasure—is the goal.
Opening the Heart After Long-Term Closure
Emotional shutdown often follows unresolved grief, disappointment, or prolonged avoidance of vulnerability. Opening the heart is not forced through dating apps or willpower; it begins with tolerating discomfort, releasing old narratives, and re-engaging slowly with desire, curiosity, and hope.
Quotes
“You can’t feel butterflies over FaceTime—you actually have to spend time with someone.”
“Every relationship starts differently because every version of you is different.”
“Not feeling immediate fireworks doesn’t mean they can’t come later.”
“Most of the time, what we call over-focusing on a partner is really obsessing over unmet needs.”
“We become more sophisticated in relationships when we stop making villains and start understanding nuance.”
“When we lean anxious, we tend to obsess about what we’re not getting instead of practicing empathy.”
“Fulfillment doesn’t come from love alone—you need growth and contribution too.”
Reflective Prompts
Am I confusing emotional intensity with compatibility or safety with boredom?
Where am I asking one relationship to meet needs that belong to my broader life?
How do I respond when my emotional expression overwhelms someone—do I soften or escalate?
What stories or caricatures am I holding about my partner that may not be fully true?
Which of my six core human needs feel under-nourished right now?
What would it look like to meet my partner’s needs intentionally without abandoning myself?
What fears arise when I imagine opening my heart again—and what grief might still need acknowledgment?