Live workshop and Q&A with Jillian Turecki.
THEMES
Dating, anxious and avoidant, independence, long distance dynamics, human needs, communication, rejection, ego.
NOTES
1. I haven’t dated for a year and half - how do I get back out there?
What have you learned about yourself during this “heart sabbatical?”
Ask yourself “Are you afraid of being hurt? Being unloved? Being engulfed” instead of trying to box into an Attachment Style.
Have a better understanding of your values, deal breakers, etc. do you want kids, marriage, etc.?
What you hear on social media etc is all about nightmare experiences. But we’re not exposed to the great experiences as much. Bc of that, we can be hypnotized into thinking they are all bad.
In the current dating climate, people are hyper afraid to be rejected.
Call out your dealbreakers - waiting to be intimate, etc - just be clear with them that you want to wait. Tell them you’re attracted, but want to wait.
I felt Secure in my first marriage, but anxious in my situationship after. Now, i find that I like the freedom… but i still want affection and closeness. Why?
Brief Guide of 6 human needs: https://www.jillianturecki.com/couples-blueprint/3-the-6-human-needs
Certainty
Uncertainty
Significance
Love & Connection
Growth
Contribution
You were meeting your need for uncertainty or novelty in a different relationship, but you didn’t have other other needs met.
And, don’t settle for the safe one.
Our goal is to learn how to meet our needs in healthy ways. You want to be in relationship with someone who you are 100% certain of, but you are choosing them because they are safe AND other things.
Don’t settle for the safe guy that you don’t have passion for.
You will probably be in a relationship where you can’t be 100% independent. You will need to be with someone who challenges you enough to not always put your agenda as #1 all the time.
What are your non-negotiables and deal breakers?
2. I was in a long marriage, then small dating, but the most recent breakup has hurt me. He said he needed to work on himself and then 3 months later he has a girlfriend. I have only been broken up with twice.. How do I deal?
It takes time, but you will start to feel over him.
When you were both busy, it worked, but then when you weren’t busy, and he still was, it exposed his Unavailability.
What did you learn? Do you want that type of agreement again? Both busy? Different states?
When we are going through tough things, we need or partners to send us love and support - these are the things we should all be expecting of another and expecting ourselves to give to another.
3. I’m in a long distance relationship and it’s only been 3 months, but I’m anxious.
Long distance relationships are not from the faint of heart.
Of course your anxious, you haven’t met them.
We romanticize who they are, because they live stronger in our mind’s eye rather than reality bc we haven’t had the experience of being together.
Your life is all about organization, certainly, doing the right thing, results
Go on two days a week and practice making a connection. Date 2 is only if you felt comfortable and found interesting. For the next two months. Take it slow. Get to know them. Keep a journal, and after each date, write down what you liked about the date, what you didn’t, how you felt. If you enjoyed it enough and they felt the same, go on another date.
You must create action to make change.
Do something outside of your comfort zone, but just enough outside of it that you still have some control over the scenario.