June 2026

TRANSCRIPT

Hi everyone. So I have chosen a question that I think is really important because I believe that my answer is going to help a lot of you, and I think that it's just a very important topic.

So the question is:

“How can I detach myself from the story of my parents and their unhappy marriage?”

My parents are both good people, but they're in constant battle with each other, and I can see they're not happy, fulfilled or safe in the relationship. My heart breaks for them, but I've learned to respect their choice to stay married even though it doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

I'm the eldest of three children and the only daughter, 25 years old. Growing up, I used to be the mediator between my parents and the one who helped my mom regulate herself. As I became more aware of this unhealthy dynamic, I realized I copy a lot of my mom's relational patterns, but also my dad's. So I can be very emotional and clingy, but also very avoidant and distant.

I want a peaceful and secure marriage and also a happy and thriving one. I want to be married to my best friend, but so far I haven't dated someone long enough to be in a serious relationship. I always craved my dad's love and approval, but he wasn't really there for me emotionally. And I also have a history of hurt and betrayal by close friends, which has made it very difficult for me to trust people in general. But I want to learn, and I want to change.

Answer:

Okay. So since it's just a question that I'm answering, I'm not actually speaking to the person, and I can't solve every problem. But the thing that came to my mind immediately as I was reading this is that, and I say this with love and compassion and total empathy: I think you're a little too in your head.

Here's something that's going to surprise some of you. You are not doomed to repeat your parents' mistakes. You are not doomed to follow your parents' relational patterns. If that were the case, then 90% of the world would be in serious trouble and divorcing. I mean, truly.

Yes, they are our models. Yes, we can pick up a lot of good and bad habits from our parents, but you have agency. You can actually choose. And just with that awareness, sometimes you could be emotional and clinging. Sometimes you can be avoided and distant. This is the case for many of us.

How we are in a relationship depends on a lot of who we're with. So you might feel emotionally and clingy with one person and avoided and distant with another. Everything is part of a relational dynamic. You could be behaving that way or acting that way or feeling that way because of where you are in your cycle that week or that day. You could be behaving that way because of other things that are going on in your life. This is not for me to take away what you're noticing. I think what you're noticing and what you're becoming aware of is significant, but I want to quell your fears a little bit that you're going to just be like your parents.

First of all, people have all sorts of types of relationships, and even though the relationship that your parents have is not the one that you would want, you don't know everything about their relationship. I mean, this is hard to hear, but you don't know about their sex life. You don't know the other things that are going on in the relationship. So bravo for deciding to take a step back and just kind of minding your own business in that way because there's nothing that you can do to change it, and you're not in their relationship. You kind of have to allow them to have the relationship that they're going to have, as long as there's no physical violence, right?

And so the decision to step away from that, from being that mediator, from getting involved is a great decision. Again, that said, beware of the ways in which you might be using that unconsciously as an excuse not to get close to someone.

You said you have a history of hurt and betrayal by close friends. You know what? I had some pretty big betrayal happen to me too in college, so in my early 20s. And so I know what that feels like. I know what it feels like to be ghosted by a best friend. And I also know the protective sort of shield that goes up when you have an experience like that, especially in... I mean, you're only 25, so I don't know when that happened, but it was either in your teenage years, I imagine, or in your 20s, so when you were young. And so sometimes when an experience like that happens, then it's hard for us to let anyone close. And then we get in our heads and it's like, okay, I'm being like mom, I'm being like dad.

You do not have to be like mom or dad. You can actually witness or observe their relationship and decide how you want to do things differently. You always have agency. And again, if you are noticing these patterns inside of you, try not to get overly fearful or in your head that you're turning into mom or you're turning into dad. Get more curious about what is actually happening in that moment when you're emotional and clinging. Does it have to do with how that person is treating you? Does it have to do with other things that are going on in your life when you're feeling avoidant or distant? Does it have to do with someone you're in a relationship with? Are you protecting yourself? Are you going through something that's completely unrelated to the person that you're seeing or hanging out with? So curiosity is so incredibly important.

And try to let go of the burden that you're going to turn out like mom or dad. And just, yeah, try to let that go. It does not have to be your destiny in any way, shape, or form. Sometimes, as I said, our parents give us a beautiful lesson on what it is that we don't want. And we can then decide accordingly.

So you haven't been in a real relationship, I think you said, and you're 25 years old; you're still young. Give some guys a chance. Give some guys a chance. Because my instinct, and I could be wrong, and if I'm wrong, then this is going to resonate with someone else listening to this. My instinct tells me that as soon as you start to feel something that could be like dad or could be like mom, that maybe you get really trapped in your head, and then you don't give someone a chance because of that. I think you're afraid, and I understand your fear. But again, recognize you are not destined to repeat your parents' mistakes.

It's a great question. Can't wait to hear and to see a conversation going on about this in Circle.

I hope this helps.