July 2026

TRANSCRIPT

(0:00) Okay, I got some amazing questions here and some kind of complicated questions. So I'm going to read them out and answer them. And I think a lot of you are going to get a ton out of it.

First Question

(0:12) We were together for a little bit over a year, and he proposed at the six-month mark. Though no concrete wedding plans were made. The relationship was incredibly intense, filled with beautiful moments, but also “thousands of paper cuts.” After a huge fight, we took some time off. On May 20, after a heated call, I softened to de-escalate. We exchanged I love yous. And that same evening, I discovered he had messaged multiple women on a dating app and gone out with one that day, fully knowing it would devastate me. Despite this, I asked to work things out. He stated, “He cannot deal with my emotions,” and told me that I have to just move on.

(1:07) If we are to stay in a relationship, expressing my feelings triggers his rage. I have since turned to therapy and somatic healing to process this. On June 14, he officially broke up with me. The past few weeks, he had been screaming at me over the slightest thing that day. I calmly expressed that something he said hurt me, and he flew into a rage. He told me to get out of his life. And that he is not built for someone like me.

(1:43) He then called the next day, June 15. And followed up with a message saying that he was in a bad place and asked to speak properly, so we wouldn't leave things in a bad place. Though he has not reached out since. And I've been trying to maintain no contact.

(1:59) I am deeply struggling to reconcile two entirely different versions of him: the sweet, loving partner who danced and sang to make me laugh, versus the abusive partner who screamed, called me names, kicked me out of his house, hit himself when triggered and betrayed my trust.

Logistically, what you should know is that my belongings are still at his place. And I still have access. So my question for you is: how do I stop the constant rumination and break the trauma bond when dealing with such extreme behavioural swings?I miss him a lot and still hope that the relationship will work. How do I tell which is the real pattern? I don't know if this is someone who is consistently trying to love me or someone who is consistently letting me down. A lot of things happened, but there is no real repair.

(2:57) Regarding my belongings, should I just collect them quietly without a word, or should I inform him and have a proper conversation? He initially asked to tell him before I go. Thank you so much for your guidance and support.

Jillian’s Answer:

(3:09) So I don't think that I need to remind you, but I think it's important to say. So this is a very dramatic relationship. It's filled with a lot of drama, and these relationships that start off very fast and very intense tend to be that. And I don't doubt that there are strong feelings here, but none of this is love.

(3:38) I don't know how old you are, and that's something that would be important for me to understand, but someone who is proposing six months in, that's way too soon. And the real pattern is exactly this. And listen, there is a tremendous amount of cognitive dissonance that happens when you're trying to reconcile how someone could be amazing in some way and then literally hitting himself when he's triggered, which is highly dramatic and very bizarre behavior and definitely dysfunctional. I have no doubt that you've played a role in whatever the drama is here. I don't know to what degree, but clearly, this would be put in the category of a toxic relationship and unhealthy.

(4:37) And here's the thing. Why do people stay in relationships where things like this happen, where there are thousands of paper cuts, as you would say? And that is because there's also good times. There's also intense feelings. There's also laughing. There's also dancing. There's also great sex. It's very rarely all bad.

(5:13) If you were to marry him, I would probably bet a ton of money, and I would actually probably guarantee you that it's only a matter of time before the bad becomes basically 90 to 100 percent of the time, and the good becomes a very distant memory.

And so my advice to you is to keep no contact. Do not go into his home without him knowing. Do not go to his home with him knowing. Arrange for a friend to pick up the stuff. And I would send him an email, not a text, just saying that your friend is coming to pick up stuff, can you please coordinate when she can come? And that is it. I would not be going into that home.

(6:10) And I know that this is incredibly hard. But I also know that you will get through this. I also know that there is a lot for you to learn. And one of the things that I really want to emphasize is that someone who can just like have a fight with you and then on the same day be on dating apps, that's not someone who's in love with you. And it's very I have nothing but empathy and compassion for you because someone's telling you that they love you. They're proposing to you. But actions, you have to believe patterns, and you have to believe what's happening in the worst moment. Because even if things are amazing, most of the time, if things get so intense that you're screaming at each other, he's hitting himself, which is bizarre, dramatic behaviour, you know, you're having to take time off. That is the pattern to pay attention to. That is the problem.

(7:29) And so my guess is that things just started off way too intense, went way too quickly. And there's a lot for you to learn from this experience. I don't know if this is a pattern that you have, that this has happened before. And you are going to have to lean on your friends. You're going to have to lean on your therapist. You're going to have to lean on this community. And you have to stay disciplined and strong and know that you're actually going to get over him a lot sooner than you think.

(8:09) I'm not saying it's going to be tomorrow. It's definitely going to be hard because there's a lot for you to reconcile here. But you will get over him, and you will be OK. And you have to learn.There are a lot of hard lessons here because you never want to be in this kind of situation where it moves fast again. And yeah, it is. It's very hard when someone could be amazing. You know, things between the two of you can be amazing and then just be awful. But you certainly can’t build a relationship on a thousand paper cuts. If there's a thousand paper cuts, it is the wrong relationship.

(8:51) And chances are, both people have a lot of learning to do. Now, I don't want to overwhelm you, but a lot of just looking in the mirror and trying to understand what really went on and what kept you there in something that was clearly cutting you. And here's something that I want to point out, that I want everyone to hear who is single and maybe dating. Don't date someone who you would not want to be the father or the mother of your child.

(10:08) And anyone who in the heat of the moment, is then hitting himself. You do not want that to be the role model for your child, because he will never be able to be. I hope this helps.

Second Question

(10:32) Hi, Jillian, I'm aware of a pattern that I fall in love with men out of reach, for example, a monk. How can I break this pattern? I think I'm afraid of real love, as crazy as it sounds.

Jillian’s Answer:

(10:52) Well, there's a few things that I want to point out. So the first thing that I want to say is that there is a pretty common phenomenon of women falling in love with, quote unquote, spiritual leaders or men who are have a very strong calling to something deeply spiritual or gurus. It's almost like what happens is that women will project deity, godlike traits onto this person. That there is something sort of attractive or erotically charged about falling for someone, for a man who feels very called to his understanding of God.

(11:57)And it ultimately makes him unavailable. Because that's his calling, his calling is not to be in a relationship.

(12:05) Also, there's a very common phenomenon of women just falling for the guru. Again, this could be from a lack of strong fatherly love as a child. It could be, you project onto this person that they are going to be safe, that they're going to protect you. But ultimately, it doesn't work. Because you put them on a pedestal. And whenever we put someone on a pedestal, we are below them. And if we are below them, looking up to them and idolizing them, then what's happening is our own sort of form of worship. And you can't be in a relationship with someone where you are worshiping them, like you are worshiping a god or a deity, because then you are seeing them as much more important, powerful, and special than you. And that doesn't work. So I wanted to say that.

(13:27) And then the other thing is, no one is afraid of love. Even though I understand what you said, you know, I get what you're saying when you ask, I think I am afraid of real love. But no one is actually afraid of love. What people are afraid of is losing love. Because love is not scary. What's scary is the possibility of not having it. And even worse, having it and then losing it.

(14:01) And so yes, that could very well be, that's a very plausible hypothesis for anyone who consistently falls for or pursues the unavailable person. Maybe there is something in you that is so terrified of abandonment, or of losing love, that you are sort of recreating these scenarios where you don't actually get the person, get the love. So there's actually nothing to lose. And so it's this sort of very crafty, unconscious pattern to protect yourself.

(15:00) And so what I would say to that is, so there's a couple of things. One is, don't date anyone in this position. Don't pursue men in these sorts of positions anymore; you just have to stop. Like, really, it's actually that simple. But the less simple part is how to sort of overcome this intense fear, and you kind of never entirely overcome it. What you have to decide is that what's on the other side of the fear is more compelling than the fear itself.

(15:41) So what you could do is, if you can say to yourself, I want a relationship, I would write down all the reasons why you want a relationship. So you have to write down your why. And your why has to be compelling. Because if it's not compelling, you're not going to be motivated to face your fear. Because everyone is afraid of losing love. And a lot of people have been deeply hurt. What actually gets them to open up their hearts again?

Because on the one hand, you could say, Oh, my God, you've been hurt so much, you're opening up your heart again. Isn't that insane? Isn't that the definition of insanity? But on the other hand, the way to look at it is, well, you're doing it, you're opening up your heart again, because it's worth the risk. Because what is potentially on the other side is worth it. And so I would write that down so that you can really emotionally connected to your why. Next question.

Third Question

“Hi, Jillian. Two weeks ago, my husband of 22 years was served with a temporary restraining order by his 20 something year old ex girlfriend.”

Oh, my God.

“He's 53. And I'm 47. He admitted having been in a relationship with her for three years, approximately from 2022 to 2025.”

(17:29) Wow. I'm just wondering if you found out about the affair because you saw the restraining order. This is intense. Okay.

“I filed for divorce, and I'm seeing a therapist. I just started EMDR. My husband and I have an 18-year-old son who will be moving out of state for college in August, and a 15-year-old son. The boys were shocked when told, but seem to be going about their normal summer routine. I've offered them therapy, but both are declining at this point, stating they are fine. I am completely devastated and can barely function. I've been with this man since I was 19. I started an anti-anxiety and blood pressure medication last week at the advisor of my primary doctor.

Any advice on how to move forward is appreciated. I'm still living in the home with him. But he's staying away until I go to bed. And he's sleeping in the living room. Unfortunately, until we sell our family home, this will be the situation.

(18:21) Last month, my biggest worry was moving my son to another state. My entire world has changed.

Jillian’s Answer

(18:32) Okay, so your husband, your soon-to-be ex-husband, should stay in a hotel. Absolutely. He should not be in the home with you. That is absolute torture. You are going through enough. This is hard enough. You don't need to be seeing him every day.

And what was the restraining order for? A restraining order is very serious. In order to have a restraining order, one needs to go to the police, and the police have to grant it. So I don't know what the hell was going on between your husband and this child. But I just don't understand what was going on. It sounds like maybe he had a breakdown. I don't know. But it's not good.

(19:14) And you need to tell him that he needs to stay in a hotel. And this is not to punish him. It's literally a reality check. You're filed for divorce. The relationship is over. He needs to stay in a hotel. It's going to make things a lot easier for you. But right now, this is torture. So that's my number one advice. You're going to get through this. It's going to be so freaking hard. But you will go through this. You've got to lean on friends. You've got to lean on family. And you will get through this. You're not the only person to go through something like this.

And right now, I just want you to focus on you and your healing and what this next chapter can be. And again, you're doing the therapy, but also you're in this group, which I'm so glad you are. But also do something good for yourself. Do something kind for yourself. Can you take a little trip even if it's like an hour away? Whatever it is, this is the time that you have to spoil yourself in any capacity that you can. That's it. And like I said, I can't sugarcoat this. This is going to be hard, but he needs to go stay in a hotel. And I hope that I get to speak with you in a live call to find out what happened.

Fourth Question

(20:51) I'm going through a divorce, and I'm so filled with rage for my soon-to-be ex. But for some reason, I still am considerate of his feelings and the divorce, even though he has done some really awful things to me. I can't find it in me to be blunt and kick him out of the house, and feel afraid of upsetting him.

Jillian’s Answer:

(21:13) Again, this isn't about punishing. This is just a reality check. He has to leave the home. It's just a reality check. If you're going through a divorce, people should not be living together.

I understand that sometimes there are financial strains, but I know that in this community, at least someone is, that they're at least able to afford a motel. You can't be living under the same roof and going through a divorce. It's torture. And it's not about hurting his feelings or upsetting him. It's a reality check. This is what's going on. We are going through a divorce, and divorced people and people going through a divorce don't live together.

Last Question

(22:12) I just met someone online who is away for the next month, as am I. He's smart, and we have great texts and a lot of friends in common, coincidentally move in similar circles, but have never met. I want to meet him in person. We have made plans to do so, but I am wondering, do I need to slow down the texts until we meet in person? Is it dumb to keep texting without meeting first? He hits all the green flags, divorced, single, spiritual, creative, self-sufficient, and employed. I'm 55. He's in his sixties.

Jillian’s Answer

Yeah, I think we're all a little too old to be doing the constant texting back and forth if I'm honest. So I think it's a little juvenile to be texting. What I would be doing, though, is I do think staying in touch is good. And you're going to be meeting in person, but can you do Zooms or FaceTimes? That's what I would do. I would do FaceTimes. I would do some calls, but I wouldn't be constantly texting. And that's my answer for that.

All right. Cannot wait to do this again. I hope this helps. Can't wait to hear all your comments in Circle. I've received a lot of amazing questions. And as you know, you will be receiving this monthly and, I look forward to seeing you all in the next live call. Thanks for being here.