March 2026

TRANSCRIPT - PART 1

First Question:

My boyfriend says he wants more nights to himself, but it makes me super anxious to take space apart. How do I deal with it? Is this normal?

Answer:

I want to say, to start, this discomfort is absolutely common, and it usually comes down to communication around needs. Attachment theory aside, in any relationship we will always be straddling the line between togetherness and separateness, between connection and autonomy, between dependence and independence. Every single one of us are autonomous beings, and when we get into a relationship, we're tasked with the delicate dance of incorporating another autonomous being into our life and figuring out how to remain autonomous and connected at the same time.

The dance metaphor holds true. Couples have to work together to maintain the balance of their individual needs. Sometimes a partner will want freedom or autonomy, and other times they'll want closeness. Sometimes those needs are aligned. They each want a night together on Tuesday and miraculously want a night to themselves on Wednesday. For those couples, the dance is definitely easier to navigate because they're almost always in sync.

But I really urge people to understand that they can't go into a relationship with the expectation that they'll always be 100% aligned all the time with their partners. But you do want to have more times where you are aligned than not. In those moments of having different needs—autonomy or togetherness—couples will need to figure out how to communicate with each other.

And it helps to have a sense of where each of you stands going into the relationship. Is one of you more wired for togetherness, closeness, and connection, and is the other one more wired for autonomy? Remember, this wiring depends on your family of origin. You'll have some work ahead to figure out how you both can feel fulfilled inside the relationship. And the reality is that some people never do feel fulfilled. Their core needs are misaligned, and so it'll always be a battle. And when it is always a battle, that's a relationship that maybe isn't meant to work out.

But I do really think that a lot of couples can strike a balance when they go in with complementary needs, an understanding of each other's needs, and a commitment to working through the imbalances. So I encourage you to begin by asking yourself about your own needs.

You can ask yourself, do I feel anxious when there isn't a lot of togetherness? And what actually soothes that anxiety? Do I avoid togetherness? What does that type of connection make me feel? How much autonomy, space, and independence do I actually need in a relationship? Or alone time?

You can answer these questions together, too, because fundamentally, a relationship can only thrive when both people's needs are being met. Period. End of story. And that balance is a dance. You'll need to both be in sync with the music. Your needs around closeness and autonomy will have to have some common ground, and that's why you need to talk about it before you move in together, before you get too serious.

And with that information in mind, I want to speak directly to the person who asked this question and so many of you who've asked questions in the same vein. Asking for space has such a negative connotation because usually when someone wants “space”, they're asking for space from the relationship. But that's super different from asking for alone time. So my only concern is when someone you're in a relationship with is asking for some nights alone, I want to know how many nights a week? Is everything going well in your relationship otherwise? How did he request it? Because context does matter.

Because sometimes when people ask for a night to themselves, they're basically saying, I cherish my alone time. I just need a little night to myself. It's part of who I am. I feel rejuvenated after having some time to myself, and when I feel more rejuvenated, then I can come back to you and give more to you and give more to the relationship.

Or maybe they have a hobby, or they're going to their yoga class, painting studio, or running club, and it's a way to nourish themselves as a whole human being. They also just might want to spend a night with their friends, pouring into those relationships that add to the fullness of their life. These are all positive things in my view.

No one is just someone's partner. No one is just someone's spouse. Everyone is also a friend, a family member, or a parent, an entirely independent person. And that's a good thing. It means they can bring so much more to the relationship. However, it's very easy for that good to get lost without communication. We need to feel like our romantic relationship won't fall apart just because we're actually nurturing other aspects of our lives that add to our completeness as a human being.

So I would encourage you to just self-reflect a little. When your boyfriend or your girlfriend, whoever, asks for a night apart, what comes up for you? Are they asking for a night apart after a fight, or has everything been great and they're requesting this? Is there a real threat to your relationship? Or is there a potential that a night apart could actually nourish them and therefore nourish the relationship?

Again, I can't stress this enough. Context matters. The request for alone time doesn't necessarily mean avoidance. But if you suspect avoidance, if you feel them pulling away, this is when you must speak up. You need to get vulnerable with your partner and also very direct. You can say something along the lines of, “I feel like you're pulling away, and it feels difficult for me to navigate. Can we talk about this?”

And you can ask them, what does a night off mean for you? Can we do something to connect before and after? Couples absolutely need to be able to have these conversations and simply demystifying how each of you experiences autonomy and togetherness can go a long way toward taming insecurity. That way, when your partner wants to spend a night at home cooking their favorite meal (that you're allergic to) or spend a long Sunday out with their friends, you'll be able to understand how they are nourishing themselves to bring a better self back to the relationship. And you likely could use the time to recalibrate as well.

Speaking up takes a lot of courage. But initiating these types of conversations means that you're both choosing yourself and choosing the relationship.

I hope this helps. Thank you.

TRANSCRIPT - PART 2

Next Question:

I just started a long-distance relationship with someone I was in a professional relationship with for two years, where we became very close friends. The distance feels really challenging, and I don't know how to navigate this.

For context, I have been single for seven years while working on overcoming my fearful avoidant attachment style and drug dependency. I feel ready for a healthy relationship, but honestly don't know what that looks like. He's five years out of a painful divorce where his ex cheated on him. It seems like we'll have to take a bunch of trips together and then consider moving in, which is a bit crazy, but also doable as we both work remotely.

What is the healthy approach to this relationship?

Answer:

Well, the first thing that I would say is that I love the fact that you've been working on overcoming drug dependency and all the things that come with that, because that can be very heavy. It is very heavy. And the fact that you actually are starting a relationship with someone who you started off as friends is exactly the advice that I would give, and I love that.

You don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. It looks like a friendship. Obviously, it's different from a friendship because there's physical intimacy, but that's the name of the game is treating someone like you would treat a close friend. I really like this for you. The long distance makes it so that the two of you have to go at a certain pace, not so fast, and so I think that it also gives you an opportunity to deepen the friendship that you already have.

I don't know how long-distance you two are. I don't know if it's a car ride away, I don't know if it's a plane ride or how long that plane ride is, or if you're even in the same country, but I would put some things in the calendar. And you can call them adventures, like weekend adventures, or if you can spend a week together, that would be great. And try not to think so far in the future, but just think, you know what? This is special. We're friends. We want this to be more. Let's give this a go, and just put two months in advance things in the calendar where the two of you are going to see each other, and then explore how the transition from friendship into something romantic works for the two of you.

And remember, it's just always about a lot of open communication, a lot of open communication, the way that you would open up to a really good friend, and so that's my advice for you, and I'm excited to see where this goes.

Next Question:

Another question that I want to answer. Someone asked, I was dating someone for five months. He ended things saying, “I really admire your intelligence, looks, your caring nature, but I don't feel an emotional connection. It feels like my brain wants this, but my heart isn't sure.”

That's what he said, and what this person asks is, “How do I overcome this self-blame loop that I must have done something wrong because of which he couldn't connect, or maybe I didn't make him feel safe enough to be himself?”

Answer:

I don't think it's a safety thing. I think it's important for men to feel like themselves, but that's not the top, top thing. Why he didn't feel connected to you, I don't know, but what I really want to know from you, and what I would love for you to reflect on is: in those five months, did you really feel connected to him?

If you could put aside really wanting it to work out, wishing it would work out, maybe forming an attachment (because five months is long enough to form an attachment), and the dream of what it could be, did you really feel deeply connected to him? Did you feel like there was something very strong between the two of you? Because rejection breeds obsession, but it really is a redirection.

And I hate to be so cliché, but it's important, because right now you're feeling rejected, and I totally get it, so it's breeding an obsession. That's why you're in a loop, and you're trying to figure out: why was I not good enough? Why would someone say that they like my looks, they like that I'm caring, they like my intelligence, but they don't feel a connection? A

And you just have to turn the focus back onto you.

I mean, sometimes it's just an intangible. Were the two of you connected sexually? Were there values that were really in alignment? Did you really feel like this is someone who you could build a long life with? And try your very best to separate your feelings from the practicality of it, because sometimes we just don't know what it is, and we can't put our finger on it, but when we think about it, it's like, oh, maybe we just don't want the same thing, or we don't value the same things.

And so I know it's hard, but put the focus back on you, and I'm hoping that we can talk one day in one of the live sessions. I'd love to hear a little bit more, but really, what you want to think about is, did I actually feel really connected to him? Did I really see a future with him, or was I more attached to the dreamof what it could have been?

I hope this helps.