February 2026

TRANSCRIPT

Okay. These are some answers to some of your questions. And these are great questions.

First Question: I have a simple, practical question. Curious what others think about guys who text things like, “I wish I was cuddling with you on the couch.” And you've literally just started texting from the dating app. I immediately unmatch because I think they're just looking for a hookup. How do other people deal with inappropriately intimate texts too early on?

Answer:

Well, first of all, what I wanted to say is, absolutely. That is totally inappropriate. So... If I understand correctly, you have not met this person. You literally just connected with them on a dating app.

And then they say something like that to you… just indicates that they're incredibly immature and they are just looking, basically, for a hookup. So I think immediately unmatching is right. You don't have to say anything to them. You, I mean… look. The dating process is a process of filtering. And when someone does something like that and it just, it has that very icky vibe, then, you know, just unmatch them. You don't actually have to say anything to them. And it's just so important that you don't spend too much energy on something like this.

So good for you for unmatching. And, you know, really makes me want to do a training or a course for men who can just, you know, who obviously need a lot of help.

Next question. I am a year out of leaving an abusive alcoholic. We were together for nine years. I was notified yesterday that he was recently so drunk by early afternoon that he was slurring his words. It was validating to hear that he still is the alcoholic man I loved and he continues those patterns. Hence it was the right choice to leave him. What I wasn't expecting was how sad this news has made me. Why am I still having an emotional response to a man who emotionally and physically abused me? Why can't I just finally see him as a good person and close that chapter of my life?

Answer:

First of all, you were together for nine years. That is a long time. And It's just not that easy to just snap your fingers and be totally detached from that person, and from a person with whom you've spent nine years of your life. So there's just that.

Then you add the layer of abusive alcoholic, and that's very intense. You know, when we're in a relationship with an alcoholic, and let's just say they're not even abusive, but... Our lives become consumed with managing their lives. It's the classic codependent addict relationship. And it is extremely difficult because when you love someone who is sabotaging their own life. It's almost impossible to not be pulled down with that. Your life becomes sabotaged as well. And so it's very complicated.

That's why I often recommend people who been in relationship, or trying to recover relationship with alcoholics, and especially abuse abusive ones is to, if it works for you, to go seek some sort of group support. Like Al-Anon is a great resource… it's not for everyone but it exists for a reason because it has helped millions of people. So that's something that you can consider. It is totally normal and understandable that you would be reassured.

You know, we leave someone because they're abusive, they're an alcoholic. And then we think they're all of a sudden going to be better for the next person. And that just doesn't work that way.

Someone who has that kind of problem has to hit a very low bottom and they have to get serious help. And that is not something that just happens overnight. And most of them don't get help. And so there's that to consider as well. So, you know, needing that sort of extra validation to know that it was right to leave him is normal.

Why it made you sad… I mean, I think... It made you sad because, this was someone who you were with for nine years. And, why can’t you just see him as a bad person and close that chapter of your life? Well, because maybe there were parts of the relationship that were actually good. This is what we would refer to as complicated grief.

But as far as closing that chapter of your life, I think it's important to write down all the ways in which he was mean to you and wrong for you.

So that you are reminded of that. I think that you should write down that the way that he was with you is a reflection of his inner demons. It is a reflection of all the unfinished business that is rattling inside of him. And it is not a reflection of you or your worth in any way, shape or form. And so that gives you a sense of over time some relief of knowing that it's not personal. And that he was that way because of him, not you.

And then you don't have to feel like you have to forgive him because you don't have to forgive him. But it does make it so that, you're just slowly able to untether and let go. Because you're not stuck in the story of, you know, why did he do this to me and, you know, or questioning your worth in any way, shape or form, and you don't have to forgive him. But you will, I hope, eventually get to a point where you can learn some lessons about why you were drawn to him or why you stayed in a relationship with him. So that never happens again.

What you learned about your resilience and your strength to be able to leave. And what that actually taught you, is just about human psychology and human behavior. That people act this way, you know, not because of you… but because of them… and that they just don't change overnight.

So I hope this helps.