May 2026

TRANSCRIPT

Okay, I am so looking forward to answering all of your questions. So here I go.

The first question reads:

“I would like to know if there is a way to know if I'm codependent. I'm going through a hard and long breakup, and I'm trying to get the right help and support. Thank you.”

Well, you've come to the right place if you're going through a long and hard breakup and I just want to say right off the bat, doing the heartbreak course is going to be very, very, very helpful for you because it's everything that I did to overcome the most painful time of my life and how I've helped so many others get through this time. So I just wanted to say that.

So codependent is one of those terms that has been sort of overused and used irresponsibly in the zeitgeist. Classically, a codependent refers to someone who is in a relationship with an addict, and they are trying to change the addict, trying to get the addict to recover, to get sober.

And in the pursuit of trying to fix and heal and change and save the addict, they completely lose themselves and start ignoring themselves, and everything is about the focus on the other person. Now, that's the classic. That's where a codependent actually comes from.

But we see this in sort of a spectrum and other types of relationships, but it's basically when one has a tendency to hyper focus on the life of the other while under-focusing on the life of themselves. And so oftentimes it’s something that we learn.

You know, a lot of people who grew up in alcoholic households develop this. Sometimes people become very codependent because they are going through an incredibly difficult time, even a crisis in their life. And so they are not able to focus on themselves. They can only focus on the other. In other words, there could be a crisis in the family. There could be a crisis in the couple. But basically, it's all the ways in which we try to change another person, and we lose ourselves in the process.

And a really great book is a book called Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie.

So I think that might give you some insight. And it's not something that you have to be afraid of, but it's just something to be aware of. If you see yourself in this book, then it's an invitation to start focusing on your own life.

I know that in the past, that was my tendency was to kind of try to fix someone else instead of focusing on myself. So anyway, I hope that I can support you more on this. I'd love to.

Next question:

“Hi, Jillian. I'm scared.

I'll never get to ask my question in the group meeting. So I'll send it here just in case. I love your podcast, but I had to stop listening after a while because it was really heavy, as I feel like I'm to blame for my divorce.”

Well, I have to say I hate the fact that my podcast would ever make you think that.

“I'm healing from a divorce, and even though my husband cheated, I still miss him and blame myself for the relationship ending. That self-blame makes dating feel overwhelming.

Sometimes I cry before a date, and I feel very alone because all my friends are coupled up. How do I stop blaming myself so I can heal, and how do I know when I am emotionally ready to date again? He blamed me at the end for lots of things and said he was unhappy anyway, so he didn't want to fight to repair the rupture anymore. That hurts so much because I still love him so much, and I miss him every day.

Thank you, Jillian.”

I hope I get to speak to you, Vanessa, because you mentioned your name in a group meeting and a group session. I'll make sure that we get to you, but here I'll give you a little something here.

One thing that I would love to know: is blaming yourself as self-blame a habit of yours? This is something that you easily fall into? The reason why I ask is because if the answer is yes, then it's an interesting thing to observe, which is, “oh, here I am doing that thing that I do.”

It's a habit. I wonder where that comes from and when it began.

Because so much of this membership is to help all everyone to understand their psychology more. And in the understanding of one's own psychology, you start to understand human behavior in general and it helps.

The second thing that I will say is that your husband cheated, and there's no excuse for cheating.

There might be an explanation. There might be nuance to what was going on between the two of you, but there is no excuse for him cheating. And if he's blaming you for him cheating, then that is not okay.

Most relationships, it really does take two to tango, and that's really what I talk about a lot. It's just taking responsibility, but that doesn't mean you take all the responsibility. And I know that this is really difficult, but let me share with you some personal story, which is so much of how I came to where I am today, helping all of you, is understanding myself and what happened in my marriage.

Now, I had to take responsibility for a lot of things, but I can say without question that he was the bigger problem. He was, and I don't say that in a blame way. I don't say that in a victimly way.

I say that actually as someone who has so much perspective, but that doesn't mean that I was the angel. It doesn't mean that I was the victim, but it does mean that he did things that were things that I would never do to another person. And I am also able to see the ways in which I could have been more confident and a better partner and a better partner.

So when I say that it takes two to tango, it's not a 50-50 split. It just means that in most cases, unless there's real abuse, we can see our part, but the hardest thing is to be able to see our part, but also have enough perspective to see where the other person was really wrong. And I'm so sorry that you miss him.

But I have to put my foot down in the best way that I can and tell you, stop blaming yourself for the relationship ending. Because how could it be all on you when he's the one who cheated? Just doesn't make any sense.

But anyway, I want to make sure that your name is called on the next time that we have a meeting, and I will even make sure that Katherine knows to tell Anna in case you show up for the next Anna session that you are called on.

Next question:

“How to break the habit of being single. I'm 37, and I feel like I've spent most of my life alone.

I had terrible patterns of attracting men who didn't want more than just sex with me, but I have transformed them and many other patterns, unavailable addicts, wounded artists, et cetera.”

Great. Good for you.

“I've done all the healing possible alone, and I'm seeing massive changes in me and the quality standard of behavior character I attract for sure.”

Great. That's a huge accomplishment.

“I feel a lot more worthy of love now, and I've also built my own business over the last few years, which has given me a lot of confidence. For context, I am neurodiverse ADHD slash autistic female family, although high functioning.

So have needed a lot of alone time to prevent overwhelm/overstimulation. Since doing some very deep nervous system healing work, I have become more open to connecting with others, can deal with environments I couldn't in the past, and people tend to like me.

However, I'm in the middle of moving back to my home country, and I'm not stable, looking for a new home. And I’m trying my best to go to real-life events in my area, ditch the dating apps, but I leave without feeling that mental excitement, engagement, and inspiration my neurodiverse brain craves. In short, I don't feel pulled to anyone.

I go months, years without any interest. I feel a lot more secure in myself, and I would have described myself in the past as having a fearful avoidant attachment style. Although I don't feel the level of fear resistance I used to.

I really don't know what to do. The only thing I can think of is when I'm settled to go to regular events that I'm interested in, and trying to get to know someone. I also work online alone with female clients and female peers.

I'm not a very sporty person, so I feel a bit intimidated by sports gyms, not the place I shine. Building new relationships in general feels harder as I get older, and I've just become so used to being single despite having a lifelong desire for a relationship. I would welcome any advice.”

Well, first of all, this is amazing how much you've overcome. Like, truly, truly amazing, and you're so young.

So this is incredible, and you have so much self-awareness, and so I just think it's a matter of time. I think that you need to get settled.

I think you need to go to events and go outside your comfort zone, but don't push yourself to do the gym or outdoorsy stuff. You don't have to pretend to be someone who you're not. That's not where you shine, so do not do it.

And, you know, look, you haven't felt that pull to anyone. You know, sometimes it takes time, and it's not necessarily a bad thing to be friends with someone first and then see if something builds. You know, like that really is a possibility, and that's not me telling you to settle.

Just saying, like you could build a real friendship with someone and see what happens. So, you know, that's really just my advice to you. Get stable, you know, meaning: find your new home, get settled, and then, you know, get excited about the possibility of meeting someone and see what happens.

And maybe look for friendship first in someone who you really enjoy spending time with. And, you know, and I'm not saying that you're going to fall for this guy, but you just never know. You might find a man who's just really pleasant.

You may not feel just an immediate pull, but you really enjoy spending time with him. And there's a friendship there, and it evolves from there, especially given your history. This might be something that's really good for you.

So that's my advice for you, and I'm excited to see what unfolds. I don't really see that there's a problem here, and I hope this helps.