The 7 Steps
Lesson Summary:
Relationships don't end when needs are being met.
One of the most overlooked causes of relationship breakdown is unmet needs, and the fact that most of us never clearly communicated what we needed, or even knew what our partner needed. These are things we are simply not taught.
A big part of becoming emotionally healthy is learning how to meet your own needs, not relying entirely on a partner to make you feel happy, loved, safe, or significant. A healthy relationship enhances your life; it doesn't carry the entire weight of it.
The 6 Human Needs. Everyone has all six, but values them differently.
Certainty: The need to feel safe, secure, and in control. Met positively through routine, financial stability, and self-care. Met negatively through micromanaging, rigidity, or control.
Uncertainty/Variety: The need for surprise, fun, adventure, and novelty. Met positively through travel, trying new things, taking healthy risks. Met negatively through drama, chaos, or reckless behavior.
Love & Connection: The need to feel loved and connected to others and to yourself. Met positively through relationships, community, giving to others. Met negatively through codependency or isolation.
Significance: The need to feel important, unique, and worthy. Met positively through achievement, contribution, and identity. Met negatively through always having a problem or creating drama to feel noticed.
Growth: The need to learn, evolve, and mature. By doing this course, you are meeting this need at a high level.
Contribution: The need to give outside of yourself. A powerful antidote to depression. Giving to someone who needs you more than you need them is a game-changer after a breakup.
Why a breakup hits so hard — through the lens of needs
A breakup can strip away your primary sources of certainty, love and connection, and significance all at once. That's why it can feel so destabilizing. It's not just one loss, it's several simultaneous losses of need fulfillment.
If you were honest with yourself, your needs were probably not being met at a high level by the time the relationship ended. And the needs that were being met at the lowest were likely the ones most important to you.
Giving to someone or something outside yourself (a friend, a cause, an animal) is one of the most powerful ways to start meeting your needs again. Every single person Jillian has worked with who surrendered to this said it was a game-changer.
Workbook:
Complete exercise “Bonus: Your Needs” in your workbook (Page 109).
Remember:
You are not the same person you were when this relationship started. You have done the work: grieving, examining your story, your emotions, your patterns, your blueprint, your values, and now your needs. This is what transformation looks like. This is the time to do it.